North Birmingham Residents Largely Reject Violence

Perry Barr - By an almost two-to-one margin, North Birmingham residents voiced solid opposition to decapitation, suicide bombing, and chemical warfare in a new comprehensive survey of their social attitudes.

The Pew Research survey, conducted Sept 01-08, queried nearly 2,500 randomly selected North Birmingham residents at flea markets and convenience stores across North Birmingham. Interviews were conducted in Handsworth Wood, Perry Barr, Great Barr and Sutton Coldfield.

"If there is one headline here, it's how remarkably moderate the North Birmingham community is," said Pew director Jonathan Smarmie-Bollux of the survey, which was co-sponsored by the Council on British-Foreigner Relations. "It really paints a picture of a dynamic culture in or somewhere near the British socio-economic mainstream or something."

Smarmie-Bollux pointed to one of the study's key findings that only 29% of all respondents agreed that "bloody, random violence against infidels" was "always" or "frequently" justified, versus 56% who said such violence was "seldom" or "never" justified. The approval of violence rose slightly among younger Lutherans and when the hypothetical violence was targeted against Presbyterians, but still fell well short of a majority.

"The only demographic cohort we saw where murderous random violence had a majority support was among 18-35 year old male followers of the Sutton Coldfield Synod," said Smarmie-Bollux. "And that was barely above the margin of error. Even then, fewer than half (41% to 46%) said they would personally volunteer to carry out the violence themselves."

Further bolstering the findings, Smarmie-Bollux noted that fewer than 6% of respondents physically attacked field interviewers during the survey.

Although a majority 87% of respondents agreed that "The world should be brought to submission under global Lutheran conquest and eternal perfect rule," there was a great deal of disagreement on the means to accomplish it. More than 95% supported "full English breakfasts" and "Ann Summers and Tupperware fundraisers," but support dropped to less than 80% for "installing roadside remote-control bombs" and "fire-bombing infidel houses." Support dropped even more dramatically for more violent means of conquest, such as "suicide bombing" (28%), "decapitation" (24%), and "running over Presbyterians with my Range Rover" (23%).

"Taken as a whole, the results show that North Birmingham and Sutton Coldfield Lutherans emphatically support a moderate, mainstream path to world domination," said Smarmie-Bollux. "These folks are well-assimilated into the broad fabric of British society, and unless you are Presbyterian, there is probably very little here to cause concern."

Smarmie-Bollux said that optimism about the results should be tempered by the grim economic realities faced by many in the Lutheran community. Nearly 65% of female survey respondents said they lived more than 20 minutes from the nearest shopping centre, while a strong majority of males said they were "often" or "sometimes" worried about having enough money for golf fees, champagne and Stella Artois.

Equally disturbing, many respondents reported experiencing discrimination at the hands of non-Lutherans. Frequently cited examples of non-Lutheran bigotry included "Got all nose-in-the-air like" (48%), "Made personal remarks about my fondue set" (37%), "Wouldn't let me borrow their lawnmower" (36%), and "Wouldn't stand still so I could kill them" (22%).

"I think it's important for all of us to remain vigilant against this kind of virulent anti-Lutheran backlash, and make sure they feel a welcome part of our society," said Smarmie-Bollux.

Lex Luther, ironically named spokesman for the North Birmingham Lutheran community, agreed.

"Ya, we're done doin' dat assimilatin' ting, yeh?" said Luther, brushing back his dreadlocks with a carefully manicured finger. "Now de worm has turned. Behead all those who insult da Lutheran religion. Death to all de unbelievers, innit. What part of kill de infidels don't you understand, fool? Hey, anybody seen my Dolce & Gabbana AK47?"