Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Increased Security Levels
Just in from cyberspace! (actually shamelessly plagiarised from another blog by Tiger, my Equality and Diversity Director, shortly before his narrow escape at the hands of a rabid Muslim suicide tomcat armed only with a copy of "The Pussies Guide to the Koran" and a collar packed with high-density remote-control exploding fishcakes.) ----- Increased Security Levels: Britain The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Slightly Miffed" to "Mildly Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may have to be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The Scots have raised their threat level from "See You Jimmy, Who Dae Ye Think You're Looking At" through "F**k Off Reet Noo" to "Reet, Let's Banjo The F**kers." They don't have any other levels. This is the main reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years. The Irish have raised their alert level from "To be sure, you don't want to be worrying about dem little guys in turbans, dey're harmless enough, sure dey are" to "Begorrah, Paddy, would you look at dat! Dem little brown f**kers have only hijacked Murphy's tractor and driven it into the duckpond outside Dublin Airport." The Welsh have also raised their security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" In addition, extra supplies of duct tape have been stockpiled to deal with the potential risk of the hind legs of sheep becoming detached from farmers' Wellington boots during an apocalyptic nuclear explosion and the resultant fallout. Increased Security Levels - Europe The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. However, it's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." Sicily, on the other hand, has raised it's alert level to "Nice-a little Muslim community you got-a there, Mohammed. Be-a shame if anything was-a to happen to it. Know what-a I mean?" The Germans have also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose" (with the associated caveat of "Ve vere only obeying orders, honest!") The Spanish, while content for the moment to leave their alert level at "manana, manana" are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Increased Security Levels - Rest of World The Americans are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their Middle Eastern allies, just in case. (Although the Obama administration is at pains to point out that just because a daisy-cutter has obliterated your herd of mountain goats, that doesn't mean that outreach to the Muslim world is any less important than it was before.) Like Wales, New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" but without the stockpiling of duct tape for Wellington boots. (except in Wellington, naturally.) Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes, and the navy some toy plastic boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Dearie me, I do hope Australia will come and rescue us." Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright mate, let's crack open another couple of Fosters." Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!", "I think we might need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. ----- The increased security levels around the world have prompted predictable rumblings from the Muslim community, especially here in Birmingham where I live, however seasoned observers have put this down to a particularly nasty contamination in the local vindaloo curry paste factory. On a separate note, Tiger, my Equality and Diversity Director, has petitioned the limp-wristed posh boy in Downing Street, also known as the PM David Cameron, for a nationwide ban on the sale of any materials that might conceivably be used in the construction of high-density remote-control exploding fishcakes to all Muslim tomcats. He already has the 50,000 signatures (carefully culled from the 2010 Birmingham Fraudulent Postal Vote Database) and the £10,000 bribe required for our local MP to raise the issue at PM's Question Time. Although I have pointed out to him that it's not easy to tell a potentially rabid Muslim suicide tomcat from a more moderate Muslim tomcat, and that such profiling might inflame the Muslim tomcat community as a whole, he is still of the opinion that in the interests of national security, a clampdown on all Muslim tomcats will be necessary sooner or later. He has even suggested that the compulsory insertion of a small microchip, perhaps under the skin in the nape of their neck, might assist the authorities in tracking their whereabouts.